Breakups are sad and disheartening process and yet an unavoidable part of an everyday woman’s life. We cannot excuse the fact that the experience could cause heartache, especially when we have put in our best and made effort to make sure that our relationship is something enviable and something to look unto and smile, being fulfilled.
The case is more serious in Divorce where everything you have worked for goes down the drain and more especially where kids are involved, where the issue of parenting comes up.
This article will enable readers to find consolation in drawing lessons from those who had experienced such and were able to pull through.
Split: A Memoir of Divorce by Suzanne Finnamore Dutton.
This work is based on how her husband walks out of their five-year-old marriage and one son which she described as much worse than losing a cat. She described the act of grieving after divorce into five stages: denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, grief, and acceptance. She also described how her husband came home from work, tells her how good she looked, drinks the Martini she prepared for him, and told her that he wanted a divorce. At that moment, she remembered the signs(trigger) of unfaithfulness which started even at the point of courtship. She went further to state that the marriage was built on lies where he swore that there was no other woman when practically there was.
She portrayed the act of descriptive writing where she explained the way and manner her man made the announcement: her husband tricked her with a kiss before announcing his intentions of leaving. At this moment she thought about the time they had slight happiness, their moment of laughter where he would stroke her thighs and said aloud how beautiful they are and always wondered how anyone could leave such a woman with beautiful legs, and then compared that to the moment he said it was over.
She went further to narrate what her son did when he found out about his father’s action: the suggested taking his father’s stockings down during Christmas as he wasn’t going to be there the next day. She, therefore, explained her escape route: she was involved in traveling even while in the marriage, she made herself happy through going out with friends, making extraordinary wine and food and inviting her close friends for a dinner, and going to see her mother. She said divorce was crazy. She portrayed honesty, humor, and strength in this write-up and she had to learn how to survive on her own terms of taking care of the boy he left her with. She described her husband’s other means of happiness as another woman.
Lessons from this book:
- Once a cheat, always a cheat.
- Sometimes, love is not enough and it is not always a guarantee to achieving a great home
- Lastly, children or having a child for a man is not the basis or means to keeping marriage checked and stable.
A Beautiful Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite.
In this book, a marriage full of hope, excitement, and sensuality became a thing of regret and abuse. She started from the point of their love at first sight in a bar where he was the bar manager and she worked as a waitress. This love made her break up with her boyfriend as she started her love journey with Marco.
She went further to explain how she spent and invested all her life savings to secure a green card for him to reside in the USA and how she sacrificed her happiness and freedom to take care of by adopting his son from a previous marriage. She even told when she started noticing triggers in the marriage as when he was most times away from home and even when he was around, he was moody and not lively and at most times, he became abusive. She then found out that he was cheating through his emails and Facebook where he claimed in his status that he was single and unattached.
She also highlighted what a great liar he was and how good he was at covering his tracks intelligently and producing perfect and logical explanations when beseeched. Even after2 all these, she tried to cover the truth, rebuild trust in her marriage but instead found more lies, infidelity, and betrayal beyond her imagination. This became glaring that even while she was in labor with their daughter, her husband was busy on a phone call with his girlfriend which could be so disheartening and devastating, and even while she ran for refuge to her parents, her husband checked out a new apartment with his lover. She concluded that her husband was a fraudster and lived a double life. She even mentioned in an interview that she had been the sole custodian of their daughter.
Lessons from this book:
- There is a difference between having a healthy connection with someone and the attraction that results from love. She, therefore, advised that those in such situations should first be gentle in themselves and not be beating or blaming themselves or being ashamed to enable them to recover more quickly. She recommended being kind to oneself to prevent one from judging oneself. She said women should not be desperate when wanting love most especially when the family wants them to settle down as they will end up making avoidable mistakes.
- Lastly, she said that the period of divorce is the time to rebuild oneself after being shattered and broken, and therefore recommended failing in love with oneself.
Heartburn by Nora Ephron
In this book, the writer used a third-person character to tell her story. She led us into her journey of breakup. She said Rachel Samstat was seven(7) months into her pregnancy when she discovered that her husband, Mark was in love with another woman. Here, Rachel found a letter from her husband’s lover which made her know that and discover that they had been together for nearly a year, she also found out that they bought a house and jointly planned to file a divorce for her.
She said that practically, Mark had divorced her before the official announcement was made as they hardly discussed, do things together, or even make plans as a couple. She felt betrayed by someone she truly loved. The most disheartening was that she found out that Mark was laying claims to his lover’s children while still married to her. She even found out that while she was giving birth in the hospital, Mark bought an expensive necklace for his lover while she sold her diamond ring to enable her to offset her hospital bills. Rachel the persona took time and control of the situation by writing them which she said made her take control of the story rather than the story making her infuriated.
Lessons from the book:
- Heartburn brings to the limelight the pains got from a breakup and finding a way back to oneself also known as surviving the effects.
- The book teaches us that we can convert our sad moments to happy endings. * Another lesson is that since women are expected to be nice, honest, and original as they would be more valued and useful, they should be the heroine of their own life and not the victim always as it is better to make one laugh than make them feel pity for you.
- Women should take their pound of flesh; as the writer took her revenge when she(Rachel) told Washington grapevine that Thelma has a venereal disease.
- Ephron believed that women and men should be equal.
How Divorce became my Deliverance by Elona Washington.
This book portrayed women as victims of their choices by ignoring triggers in their lives most especially as it concerns the men they choose. Women are filled with an inferiority complex thereby thinking or believing that they don’t deserve better and thereby settling for anything.
This article touched every aspect of how marriage could go wrong. She sighted where women came together to share how they mourned the loss of their marriage, while some chose to depart, the other was left alone, either way, they found a consolation, discovered themselves, and even empowered themselves.
The compilation of stories were those of encouragement that will make women in such conditions, not be heartbroken and be in hardship or feel neglected but to erase the stigma and stand up tall among the rest. One of the women noted how her husband left while everyone was asleep.
The writer concluded that the only consolation they had for survival was God and Individual personal development which helped them scale through. They, therefore, advised that one should love oneself and stop dwelling in the past as it will hinder one’s spiritual, psychological, and physical growth.
Lessons from this book:
- One should avoid marrying a man who had more than one ex because one would be marrying into a family mess. * Marrying young is not encouraged as the young lacked marital maturity and that could lead to unhealthy direction growth.
- Marrying an unbeliever, drug addict, and heavy drinkers are not encouraged as well. *Any man who cares more about his relations and family members is a semi disaster.
- The article does not recommend Marrying for money because one would end up learning the hard way that money is not everything.
- Marrying a lady’s man is not worth it and that you met a man in church doesn’t guarantee that he is godly and therefore surety to success in marriage.
The Breakup Bible;The Smart Woman’s guide to healing from a Breakup or Divorce by Rachel Sussman.
This book takes women through the stages of understanding, healing, and transformation to enable a full recovery. She mentioned how some people take divorce and breakup as though it were the end of their life and happiness. She recommended creating an entirely new and healthier life for oneself by regaining trust, building self-confidence and deeply loving oneself as that is the best way to view oneself as great. She even encouraged builds self-high esteem where you see yourself as a heroine.
She developed in this write-up the three(3) proven stages or phases and processes of healing from a breakup:
She said that the effects of a breakup can be surmounted as people thought otherwise, even though it is not as easy as that seems. She mentioned how she was abandoned by her husband when she had an accident with their daughter and how she pulled through.
She cited that people may think that life will never be the same and may never be better and can’t live without their ex but never know that life even gets better and not only can you live without him but in time he will see that it is even possible to be successful. She said that deciding to change one’s life and the motivation to do something about it is what turns life and situations around positively. It most tines takes crisis and problems to bring us better opportunities for favorable new beginnings.
She, therefore, recommended allowing oneself time to grieve as it will make one ponder, think and proffer solution, as well as time to be comforted and thereafter time to be educated.
She concluded that nothing is as bad as struggling or staying day by day in a relationship where one feels misunderstood, controlled, abused, or lonely and you are stubborn to let go of struggling to make it right or maybe thinking about how your kids will be affected.